Updated: May 5, 2020
It’s three weeks today since my Mother passed away, approximately around 1:30 pm, the same time that I’m starting to write today’s journal entry. Those three weeks have been a surreal blur and seem to have flown so fast.
I’ve received many kind condolences from fans and friends and some warm ‘phone calls from a few people who I haven’t been in touch with for some years. It was lovely to speak with Kate St John and Susan Quinn, (the wife of my late friend Alan Quinn who passed away three years ago.)
It’s impossible, at the age of 71, to not be acutely aware of human mortality and the brevity of life. My Mum was just 20 years older than me. I guess there’s some consolation in the fact that she lived to the age of 91. My Dad died in his 70s and my brother on the morning of his 50th birthday.
Still, a long life or not, the hard fact remains that we deeply miss our loved ones.
I’m still finding it hard to grasp that my Mum is no longer there for me. Sometimes though, the realisation hits hard and emotion overwhelms. Other times I catch myself thinking that I’ll call Mum to clarify some distant memory from my past, or just to see how she’s doing, then realise she’s no longer there on the other end of the ‘phone.
Mum's funeral will be held on the 7th of May. Quite a while since her passing, probably due to the number of Coronavirus deaths. It will be held at the Crematorium in Wakefield but there are strict limitations on attendance, close family only and social distancing rules apply.
I’d almost completed a tribute video to show at the funeral service but have now been informed that screening it is not possible, so I’ll finish it and post it on my website as a permanent memorial to my mother. I’ve created a lengthy piece of music to accompany it too.
I’m still limping around the house due to the twisted ankle and damaged knee that I sustained when I fell on the 21st of April. The ankle swelling has gone down a little but is still painful. A few days ago my toes on the same foot turned a dark bluish purple. My regular podiatrist appointments have been put on hold due to the current lockdown but I’d been given an emergency number to call in case I had any issues.
As I’m on the podiatrist’s ‘high risk’ list, (due to my diabetes,) I called the number to seek advice. The duty podiatrist answered and I explained what had happened. She asked me to photograph my foot and email the images to her, which I duly did. It was not a pretty sight.
20 minutes later she called back and asked a few more questions then said there was not much that she could do and suggested that I call 111 and see whether they might arrange for me to go to hospital for an X-Ray, (though she added that this might not be possible in the current situation.) Otherwise I was told to monitor the foot. I opted to keep an eye on it.
Today, the discolouration to my toes has begun to fade, so I think it’s just bruising. My ankle is still nagging me though. These things can take a long while to properly heal. So much trouble from one fall...
As a result of these injuries, I haven’t been able to go over to my Mother’s home in Wakefield to continue sorting through her belongings but, despite not being fully recovered, I’m thinking of going tomorrow to see if I can do a little more.
Meanwhile, I’ve tried to continue to do some work. Mum would not have wanted me to give up on my music. I've made a list of the songs I’ve recorded on my relatively new Cubase software, a surprising amount of material. The songs were not particularly ‘fussed’ over, they were simply vehicles to get to grips with the software, to learn how to use it and to test out its features. Nevertheless, they’re interesting enough as compositions, although I’m not sure about the recording quality quite yet. Maybe I just can’t tell, too close to it, etc.
Anyway, I’ll gather them into a couple of albums later and eventually see what fans of my music make of them.
Here are the titles of the tracks I’ve completed so far, in no particular order:
‘GAZING THROUGH GOLDEN WINDOWS.’
‘THEY TELL YOU THIS. (THEY TELL YOU THAT.)’
‘WITH ALL THE WILL IN THE WORLD.’
‘ANCIENT ANGELS WATCHING ME.’
‘DREAMING OF ANOTHER WORLD.’
‘GHOST TRAINS TRAVEL.’
‘DRIVING THROUGH ENGLAND.’
‘HELIOS IN MEMORYLAND.’
‘I RECALL JETS AT DAWN.’
‘IN THE MIDDLE OF A DREAM.’
‘SEVEN KEYS TO THIS CITY.’
‘SILVER STARS WILL SHINE.’
‘ASTRONOMY OF THE HEART.’
‘THE HOUSE OF A HUNDRED CLOCKS.’
‘THE INFERNAL MACHINE.’
‘THE TV’S ON THE BLINK.’
‘THIS DREAMLIKE WORLD.’
Here are some snapshots of my studio, taken today in a state of work disarray: