50 shades of a Pikey

Westdeep · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 8:37 am

Even though he only had one tattoo i yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women. As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefits day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.

It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time.

Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you.

As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig-like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O. and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the alley so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.

......

He closed the Cortina door behind him and darkness enveloped us. Suddenly we were alone. Dwayne's brother, Wayne (or it might've been Shane or Zane - once the light went out it was hard to tell) reached for the small foil packet and tore it open. It was a Tunnocks Teacake from Lidl - the cheap ones without the jam. That'd keep my energy up until his dad and the other local doggers arrived...

jabberwock · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:16 am

peterc62 · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:49 am

Having just completed my "Diversity & Inclusion " training at work I am not sure I should be reading this nevermind finding it funny but I do.

:shock:

A benefits inspector was interviewing a 20 something scally girl.

"So you have 5 children?"
"Yes"
"What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,Wayne and Wayne"
"Isn't that confusing?"
"No - When I want them to come in for their tea I just shout "Wayne""
"What if you only want to speak to one of them?"
"Easy - I use their surnames"

Alan Cawthorne · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 2:43 pm

Westdeep wrote:

Even though he only had one tattoo i yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women. As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefits day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.

It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time.

Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you.

As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig-like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O. and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the alley so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.

......

He closed the Cortina door behind him and darkness enveloped us. Suddenly we were alone. Dwayne's brother, Wayne (or it might've been Shane or Zane - once the light went out it was hard to tell) reached for the small foil packet and tore it open. It was a Tunnocks Teacake from Lidl - the cheap ones without the jam. That'd keep my energy up until his dad and the other local doggers arrived...

Mills And Boone Top 50 Favourite.

Oracle · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 2:47 pm

Brilliant!!! :wink:

patrixm · **Joined:** Thu May 05, 2005 4:03 pm **Posts:** 419

Can't wait for the next chapter :wink:

wadcorp · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:37 pm

Can anyone to "50 Shades Of A Taysider"?

.

bradford mick · **Posted:** Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:53 pm

Nice.

www.billnelson.com

50 shades of a Pikey

Who is online